You are ALWAYS responsible for what you choose to think and even feel.
When you aren't "pleasing" someone and doing exactly what makes them happy... That's their thought. THEY are the ones that want you to do something differently. You may automatically feel like you want to do whatever you can to make them happier with you. But, sometimes making changes for the wrong reasons means sacrificing yourself.
To make changes that serve you, you can choose to do something differently for the right reasons FOR YOU. It sounds selfish... but hear me out.
So what are the right reasons for you? This is actually really simple. If you have reasons in your mind that you want to change YOU or any behaviors, as long as you feel good about those reasons, they are the right reasons.
If you feel like you're changing yourself to please someone else, or there's a nagging feeling somewhere in your body that something just isn't right, then you should dig deeper.
Remember, we're also very complex human beings and sometimes we don't all get along. There will be many times that people will have negative thoughts about you, or vice versa. There will be miscommunications, arguments, disagreements and more. But, you can CHOOSE to understand and empathize; to know your truth without letting these things bring you down or change you.
We cannot be expected to walk through life sacrificing our own needs in order to fulfill everyone else's 100% of the time. If you find yourself on the other side of an argument or disagreement where someone wants you to do something differently or is upset with something you've done, keep these things in mind. Know that you're coming from the best place you can and adjust only if you feel good about those reasons.
This will always feel better than changing for the wrong reasons, guilting and shaming yourself and wallowing. Don't do that to yourself! 🤪 ❤️
I know, now you want examples...
Okay. Say your partner gets offended when you joke about a certain topic, like their cooking. You have a fun, joking relationship and the person usually laughs at your jokes. You meant no harm with this. You can see, however, that this topic is touchy for your partner and they get offended and upset and angry at you. They ask you not to joke about their cooking any longer. You can empathize and understand that it's just a touchy subject, and you can change your behaviors surrounding the cooking for your partner, whom you love. You can feel good about this, because you know you didn't do anything wrong and you are simply just tweaking a behavior. You LIKE your reasons for changing and feel good about them. This would be an example of a healthy tweak to make in your life.
On the other side of this, say you like to wear short shorts, and your partner says they don't like this, it's too revealing and want you to stop. You really love wearing short shorts and you don't feel wearing them means anything bad about you. You do not want to stop. You don't want to spend money on new shorts. But, you do it anyway to make your partner happy. Or maybe you stop wearing them because you feel guilty and shameful and you believe what your partner said. You may also feel resentment for making this change. Whatever the case, none of these feelings are GOOD feelings to have. If you make this change, you will not feel good about it. This would be an example of a change you made solely for another person, not yourself.
One last example of a GOOD feeling change: A coworker finds it offensive that you don't use their correct pronouns. They are angry with you and tell you this. You want to make them happy, and you empathize with the fact that this is important to them and you can understand why it would be. You make a conscious effort to use the correct pronoun for the future, and you feel good about it because it feels like the right thing to do.
Think about these things and apply them to ANY type of situation!